The Grass Is Greener with a Pre-Built Fence

Building a backyard fence might not be as simple as it seems. Photo by clipart.com

Weeks ago, I decided that building a fence would be the perfect spring-break project for my 15-year-old.

I would help; it would satisfy a longing I had to work with my hands.

It would be a good mother-son bonding experience.

That I had absolutely no experience did not deter me. My husband could do the planning and the hard stuff around the edges. What I lacked in skill, I made up for in enthusiasm.

I took a week off work, and indeed, we saw our job through to completion.

But as with any around-the-house project done by weekend warriors, mistakes were made. I underestimated everything: the time, the effort, the cost, the wet weather, the number of trips to the hardware store and how quickly a power drill turns into a tyrant.

So that others may benefit from our missteps, notes from novice fence-builders:

1. Permits. Denver, my hometown, requires a permit for fences over 4 feet high. Go to the zoning department. See a big sign that says "QUICK PERMITS," but don't be ridiculous and think this means you. Fence-builders sign in at the counter on the right, take a seat and wait for five people ahead of them.

2. Sketch your fence on the back of a McDonald's bag or a used napkin. Why waste good paper on a plan that won't remotely resemble the finished product? There's no harm in thinking big, but my best advice is to lose the flying buttresses and stick with something simple.

3. Resolve to buy from your friendly, neighborhood lumberyard. Be dumbfounded to learn he closes at noon Saturdays, so go to a big box instead.

4. Estimate your lumber needs, do a price estimate and then double it. The lumber for our 80-foot fence cost about $500, but by the time we rented an auger to dig the post holes and bought concrete, tools and accessories, we racked up 13 receipts totaling $1,072.87.

5. Accept that you'll pay full retail for every 2-inch screw, every two-by-four and every faux-copper fence-post cap. Hardware stores have figured out that men, unlike women, aren't motivated by markdowns. Buy-two- get-one-free deals may work for Olga bras, but for reasons I can't fathom, they're a no-go in pressure-treated pine.

6. In the store, ask for Buzz, Chip, Buck or Scooter. Guys with construction-yard names give you straight answers. Besides which, before long, they'll be like uncles.

7. Somewhere around your fifth trip to the store, ignore the handsome, pre-built, 8-foot-long, ready-to-install fence panels displayed outside the store. Resist the temptation to calculate how much time and money they might have saved you and tell yourself they were most likely built offshore in China, which, of course, you can't support.

8. Tear down your existing picket fence that's rotting on the bottom and lists 15 degrees on the south end but was apparently built to withstand hurricanes. Use crow bars. Develop hernias trying to leverage out the 40-year-old concrete post holes three feet underground.

9. Before you begin, dig up all plants within five feet of the fence, including that old rosebush of undetermined heritage. In fact, kill that rosebush. Allot at least 90 minutes for this task on account of the roots. If you have it, use dynamite.

10. Accidentally drop a sledgehammer onto the boom box. Simultaneous exposure to electric saws, electric drills and 50 Cent may not technically violate OSHA noise regulations, but it's guaranteed to obliterate your nerves.

11. Feel proud that your son is now a seasoned fence-builder. Watch him hoist his electric drill with cool familiarity, squat on the balls of his feet, set his jaw, narrow his eyes, seat the bit, square his chest, take a deep breath, squeeze the trigger and be knocked on his can by the sudden jolt of power. Try not to wet yourself laughing.